Mash Up Two Classic Fairy Tales Into One Story [FICTOID]

“This is a pigsty,” said Goldilocks.

“Duh,” said the Third Little Pig.  He hated to use old stereotypes and cliches but, damn, Goldie here was making it hard.

“What are you doing here?” asked the Second Little Pig.

“I got lost in the grove and the underbrush and then I got hungry and tired so I was looking for something to eat and a place to sleep.”

“I notice you didn’t say ‘find your way home’,” said the Third Little Pig.

“What-EV-vah,” said Goldie, doing her part to fulfil the stereotype.  “What have you got to eat and where can I rack out?”

The pigs looked at one another then the First Little Pig put on his oven mitts and took down a large pot boiling in the fireplace.  “All we have is leftovers,” he said.  “Wolf stew.”

“Yuch!  Haven’t you got anything else?  I’m vegan.”

More like a vegetable, thought the Third Little Pig.  He toyed with the idea of using the toy sword the seven dwarves gave him to stir the ashes in the fireplace but decided against it:  Decapitating Goldie would give him only a momentary pleasure and then he’d have to clean up the mess.

“We have slops,” said the Second Little Pig, and the First Little Pig licked his snout:  “Mmm, slops…”

“Even more yuch,” said Goldilocks.

The Third Little Pig grew even more irritated.  He hated it when others took advantage of his brothers.  Idiots that they are, at least they’re givers, not takers.

He stoked the fire with the tip of the sword, pondering what to do.

“Well, if you don’t have anything decent for me to eat or a clean place to sleep, I’m just going to hit the road,” said Goldilocks.

“Wait!  It’s getting dark,” said the First Little Pig.

“Wolves come out at night,” said the Second Little Pig.

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be all right,” said the Third Little Pig with a smile.  “Why, there’s some empty cardboard boxes down the road -- she can build a box fort and sleep in them tonight.”

“But the wolves -- “

“Wolves are afraid of cardboard,” said the Third Little Pig.  

“Really?” asked Goldilocks.

“Really.”

“Well, thanks for the tip!  Tootle-loo!  I must be going!”  

And with that she left.

“She seemed like a nice kid,” said the First Little Pig.

Later that evening, after finishing the wolf stew, they heard a bloodcurdling scream.

“I mourn the loss of a friendship,” said the Third Little Pig, licking his bowl clean.

© Buzz Dixon