Impossible Before Coffee [FICTOID]

The pope dreamt a dream and felt positively giddy with excitement when  he told the college of cardinals about it the next morning.

“Artificial insemination does not exist,” he told them over poached eggs.

The cardinals all nodded and murmured agreement.  “Si, si, it is forbidden.”

“No,” said the pope.  “You misunderstand me.  Artificial insemination itself does not exist.  God showed me that when people think they are artificially inseminated, it is really God himself causing a pregnancy.”

The cardinals all looked nervously at one another.  “Ah, surely this is some great truth that God has chosen to impart to you…symbolically,” said the eldest.

The rest nodded like Dodger bobbleheads following a 3.5 temblor.  “Si, si, symbolic.”

“No!” said the pope.  “No, no, no!  God showed me most emphatically that artificial insemination is impossible, that the semen cannot survive such an unnatural process, that only He in His infinite mercy allows a pregnancy to result.”

“This…” said the eldest cardinal, “…carries profound implications, not the least of which is that if God creates all these pregnancies -- “

“’Allows’,” murmured the cardinal in charge of legal affairs.

“If God creates,” said the eldest, seeking an end run around the point he knew the legal eagle wanted to make, “these pregnancies, then that implies the offspring are…well…”

“Equal to Jesus,” said the legal eagle.  “Can’t have that.  God ‘allows’ these pregnancies to occur.”

“No!” said the pope, smashing his frail blue-veined fist on the table as hard as he cold, scarcely rattling even his tea cup.  “God was most explicit and precise.  He creates all pregnancies credited to artificial insemination.  Period.  Full stop.  Shove that up your chimney and smoke it!”

“That is contrary to the best interests of the church,” said the banking cardinal.  “Too many people around the world regard our opposition to artificial insemination as crucial to raising funds to keep operating.  If we change out guidelines now – “

“It’s what God wants!” the pope said.

“It’s not what Mammon wants,” the banking cardinal shot back.  “And as far as the Holy See sees it, Mammon gets the first, last, final, and only vote.”

“You would defy the will and direct commandment of God?” the pope asked.

“All the time,” said the banking cardinal.  “It’s what puts a roof over our heads.”

“In case you haven’t looked up at the ceiling recently,” said the pope, “that’s God we’ve got painted up there to keep the rain off.”

“And He does an excellent job of it,” said the eldest cardinal, hoping to quell the debate.  But God does one thing and Mammon does another and right now today, mammon calls the shots.”

The pope looked offended.  “I’m the pope.  I have final word on these matters.”

“Ever see a James Bond movie?” the legal eagle asked.  “Where do you think they got the idea for a double-O branch?”

“Are you threatening me?” said the pope.

“Just informing you,” said the legal eagle.

“Please, let’s all return to our regular normal, quiet breakfast.  There’s no need to disturb ourselves -- much less the church -- with this revelation.”

“It would relieve so much shame, suffering, and misery,” muttered the pope.

“Shame, suffering, and misery are what keeps the cash flowing,” said the eldest cardinal.

© Buzz Dixon