You Are What You Are, You Am What You Am [FICTOID]

There is a hospital in Florida reserved exclusively for sick penises.

We're not talking about a clinic for STD's or ward for traumatic genitalia injuries but a hospital devoted to looking after politicians / clergy / influencers who act like big dicks and got turned into one by Phuc Ya, the karma fairy.

Nurse Gearshift looked up as the double front doors to the hospital swung open.  She recognized the near-hysterical middle-aged woman next to the giant ambulatory penis as the wife of the state governor, which presumably made said ambulatory penis said governor.

“Please!  You've got to help me!  My husband just turned into a giant prick!”

“Your husband has always been a giant prick,” Nurse Gearshift muttered under her breath.  She handed a clipboard with the standard admission form to the distraught wife.  “Fill this out, please”

“This is an emergency!” the governor's wife said.  “You must treat him immediately!”

“We can't do anything until we have his full medical history, a list of all drugs he's currently taking, any allergies he might have, his insurance information, and what religion and political party he belongs to.”

“Don't you understand?” said the governor's wife.  “This is -- ”  Here she paused, looked around, saw no one else in the lobby (because who in their right mind wants to visit a hospital filled with giant ambulatory dicks?), leaned over the counter, and whispered:  “This is the governor.”

“Yes, ma'am, I'm sure he is,” said Nurse Gearshift.  “But we can't do anything until the proper forms are filled out.  This is a regulation your husband himself pushed through the state legislature last year.”

The now furious governor's wife snatched the clipboard from Nurse Gearshift’s hand.  “I'll have your job for this,” she hissed.

“You're welcome to it,” said Nurse Gearshift.  “Personally, I don't think you'd last through your first shift, but hey, you do you.”

The governor's wife patted the side of her husband's shaft.  “Just a moment, dear, and we'll get you in.”

“Don't do that,” quote Nurse Gearshift said.

“What?”

“Pat your your husband like that.  We had one woman do it and her hubby went off like Vesuvius.  Took us the better part of a week to get the lobby cleaned.”

The governor's wife looked dubiously at Nurse Gearshift as if she really didn't believe her then remembered her husband was now a six foot tall penis so maybe the lobby story wasn't that farfetched after all.

“Let me fill this out,” she told her husband, “and we'll get a doctor to see you.”

What's to see? Nurse Gearshift wondered. He was always a giant dick; now he just looks the same on the outside as the inside.

The governor's wife hastily scribbled out answers to the form’s questions then rudely tossed the clipboard back on Nurse Gearshifts desk with a clatter.  

“There!  Admit him!”

Nurse Gearshift gave the form a perfunctory glance to make sure the governor's wife filled in all the blank spaces then hit the intercom button.  “Admission.  Stat.”

Thirty minutes later two hazmat suited orderlies rolled a gurney into the lobby.

“This is the patient?” the senior orderly asked, jerking his thumb in the direction of the only giant ambulatory penis in the lobby.

“Yeah,” said Nurse Gearshift, returning her attention to the blackjack game on her desk computer.

The orderlies picked up the now penisized governor and laid him on the gurney with far more gentleness than he was entitled to.

“Now, are you ready to come with us?” the senior orderly asked.

“Yes!” the governor's wife snapped.

“Excuse me, ma'am, but we're talking to your husband,” said the younger orderly, remembering what the governor’s wife once said about unwed teen mothers like his sister.

“You're certainly welcome to come along as we admit him,” said the older, more politic orderly.

As she followed her husband into the examining room, the governor's wife paused to say to Nurse Gearshift,  “Rest assured you haven't heard the last of this.”

“Y’know, you're about due for a visit from the karma fairy yourself,” Nurse Gearshift said. “I'm just glad I don't work at the asshole hospital.”

© Buzz Dixon