Hambuggery [FICTOID]

Hamburgers!  There were never enough hamburgers for Leon Skum. 

The multi-gazillionaire obsessed over hamburgers, all kinds of hamburgers:  Those little sliders with the grilled onions from White Castle, the wrapped lettuce protein-style burger at In-N-Out, the veggie burger at Hooks, even those tiny dried cow patties they sell at McDonald's.

If it was:

[ ] Round
[ ] Made of meat
[ ] Between two slices of bread

Skum obsessed over it.

You only needed to check two of the boxes to win his approval.

But here's the thing: Leon Skum didn't like hamburgers! 

Rather what he liked was the feeling of power and control he could inflict on others.

That’s why his life goal was / is / always shall be the acquisition of every damn hamburger on the planet.

Call it a strategy of denial.

What did Skum do with his collection of hamburgers?

Nothing!

Oh, he stored them in desert warehouses where they rotted and stank (all except the Mickey D selections; read into that what you will).

People traveling across country would roll up their windows and hit the gas.  Sheriffs and Highway Patrol officers in gas masks would wave them through, fully understanding why no one wanted to be downwind from one of Skum’s abattoirs.

Air travel increased dramatically in that part of the country, an unintended benefit of Skum’s obsession with burgers.

So what did Skum do with these burgers?

At first he acted like Scrooge McDuck only instead of diving into a giant money bin and letting the coins clunk on his head, Skum let the burgers cascade on him.

This of course proved a colossally bad idea.  The burgers fell apart in midair not to mention the problem of oil / grease / fat setting getting on everything.

So again, why did Leon Skum want hamburgers?

He wanted them just because, just so he could say “I've got all of them!”

Eventually one of the brighter persons in Skum’s vast domain (and let's be honest everybody who worked for Leon Skum was smarter than him, even the drooling social hire in the wheelchair down in shipping whose sole job was to push the button that opened the door) pointed out Skum didn't actually need to buy the physical hamburgers but rather the concept of hamburgers.

Skum soon owned vast tracts of land in the desert filled with empty warehouses full of nonexistent hypothetical hamburgers.

Since these proved no problem re oil / grease / fat, the fastidious come Skum couldn't wait to dive into them.

He did and that was when there was an oil / grease / fat problem on the concrete floor of the warehouse but no longer any problems for anyone else.

© Buzz Dixon